


The Five Stages

by PAPERSK1N



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depressed!Jack, Depression, F/M, Grief, Love, Onesided Love, Sad!Jack, Sadness, Self Harm, Unrequited Love, character death (sort of?), five stages of grief - freeform, mentions of self harm, suicide (sort of?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 01:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1285405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PAPERSK1N/pseuds/PAPERSK1N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Harkness grieves for Rose Tyler. Perhaps he was more in love with her than any of us knew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Stages

It didn't take Jack long to realise he was in love with Rose Tyler.   
The first time they met, as he rescued her from the night sky in the Second World War air raid, he had just thought she was a hot blonde with a nice ass. Then they danced in front of big ben, and he remembers noticing her eyes.  
Jack Harkness is a 51st century man, and eyes are certainly not the first thing he notices in a woman. But there, dancing with Rose in the moonlight….her eyes positively sparkled. They were dark and mischievous, a vast contrast to her peroxide blonde hair. Adding that to her fitted jeans and union Jack t-shirt, he knew that she was definitely not from that time. Not that it bothered him, as it was nice to let himself escape, for just a little while.  
It was only as he started travelling with The Doctor, the ninth doctor, whose eyes were blue and cold as ice, but who’s face lit up as warm as a roaring fire, he realised that she would never feel the same. It was the way she looked at that impossible man, like he was the sun and she was a flower, stretching up to be embraced by him.  
He suspected The Doctor felt the same way, but he chose not to act on it. He knew Rose was disappointed by this, but she tolerated it, just because she loved travelling, and she loved him. And although that broke Jack’s heart, he was glad that she was actually happy. This was odd. But then he realised that that was love, being able to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else.  
When The Doctor took off and left him in the year 200100 he felt anger, remorse. How could he leave him there, like he had never mattered? How could Rose leave him? He had kissed her as he left, as he had kissed The Doctor, but it was odd how when he kissed Rose, his stomach did flips.  
But now, when she had just left with The Doctor, off travelling the stars without even checking if he was still alive and kicking? He would just have to find them, and maybe shout a bit. But he knew that she would be able to win him back over with one flash of her smile.  
When he finally makes it back to the 20th and 21st century, after living through the best part of three centuries, he feels relieved. He visits her estate a few times, and watches her growing up. Jackie with that awful beehive, and little Rose. A tangled mess of mousy hair and those dark eyes that she had always had.  
He sits under the tree in the park, thinking about her. He would most defiantly see her soon, when her and The Doctor would return to London. Then he could be angry and shout at them both for leaving him, before swiftly forgiving them both.  
His thoughts are interrupted when the little golden girl hangs down upside down from the tree and faces him. It startles him a bit, to see someone else’s little face hanging in front of his.   
“Excuse me mister,” she says “But this is my special climbing tree. No grown-ups allowed.”  
He chuckles. That’s Rose, of course. Always the bossy one. “Sorry little lady,” he says getting up and holding his hands up in defeat “I didn't know the rules, won't happen again, promise.” He crosses his heart too, just to watch her grin. That same grin, she has it even now. She can't be more than six or seven. She's fascinating.  
“I’m Rose.” She says, jumping down from the tree.  
“I’m… I’m nobody. Just an imaginary friend” he smiles  
“Nice to meet you, Mr Nobody” she says, and grins before running back to her mother, who’s sitting on a park bench, smoking a fag and chatting to another middle aged woman. Little Rose doesn’t look back, leaving Jack to slink back into the shadows.  
When he finally lives to 2007, he sees her name on that list. The list of the dead. And it breaks, him, it really does. He feels himself falling, through the five stages of grief. It starts with denial, and he searches the records for any other Rose Tyler that could’ve been there at the time. When he can’t find one that corresponds with the timing nor location, he throws his laptop at the wall.  
Anger is a big one for him, and he starts working out more, to channel it. He goes at punching bags like crazy, watching them swing around on the walls. He keeps himself to himself, and screws himself up into frustration. Then, when he curls up to sleep one night, he moves onto bargaining. If I don’t sleep with anyone for a year, she’ll be okay. If I stop drinking she’ll come back. If I eat one hundred hot dogs in a row that means she’s fine.  
He ends up vomiting after twelve hot dogs, which is what moves him into the most deadly phase. Depression. He almost blames himself, for not being there to protect her, more than he blames The Doctor for leaving her in the first place. He verbally abuses himself, staying locked in his apartment screaming and shouting at his own reflection. He drinks and drinks because he doesn’t give a shit about his liver. And then he moves on to the more physical abuse. Burning himself with cigarette stubs gives him a kick for a while, but eventually it’s not enough. At first he doesn’t do enough to actually kill himself, because he knows by now that it wouldn’t work. So he makes little cuts and scratches and burns here and there, and then it get worse. He stabs himself over and over, and lays there in pain bleeding out. Slow deaths that take hours until he slips into the darkness, only to wake up moments later. The scars fade much too easily, which hurts him more.  
This goes on for months, before he finally decides that he can’t do it anymore. He isn’t getting anywhere, and he isn’t bringing her back. He realises how devoted he is to her then, and it hurts him even more to think that she never loved him anyway. But he has to accept it, and move on.   
That’s the final stage, acceptance. And it takes him a while, but eventually he realises that everything happens for a reason.   
In a world of mortalities and immortalities, Rose’s eventual death was always inevitable if she kept on travelling with The Doctor. And she’d never leave him, not voluntarily.  
He isn’t sure if this reassures him, or hurts him even more.  
He sets up torchwood, gets some friends together to do a bit of good on the earth. He likes Ianto, a lot. He isn’t Rose, but he’s sweet. Gwen is brilliant, likewise Owen and Tosh and everyone that contributes. It’s nice.   
And then, finally, The Doctor returns. He runs like hell to get to him, only to see him flee again. But oh no, The Doctor isn’t getting away that easy, not this time. He jumps onto the TARDIS’ exterior, and suddenly everything swirls into black.  
He wakes up to find a pretty black girl attached to his lips, and he smirks despite himself. He eventually regains his composure to see The Doctor.  
“Have you had work done?”  
“Oh, you can talk?”  
“Oh yes! The face!”  
And suddenly he thinks he may have forgiven the time lord already. That new cheeky chappy look he’s got, with the grin and the suit. He seems warmer. Softer. He hopes Rose did that to him. He has to ask about Rose, and when The Doctor says she's still alive, well, he’s never felt anything like it. He’s not sure if it’s a good feeling, because Rose has always been in his heart, surrounded by a golden haze. His love, surrounding her, but as The Doctor explains that she's safe, and happy, the haze softens.  
He isn’t in love with her anymore, which is strange.  
The Doctor still is though, which hurts him to watch. He apologises for leaving him, explaining that he was scared, and he ran, and then a little later, he mentions Rose once or twice, and he smiles.  
And Jack smiles to.  
He may not be in love with Rose as much, but he does still have love for her. He’s happy, not jealous, to know that she’s safe. When he though she was dead, the guilt just strengthened his feelings for her. Seeing her young, and watching her eyes sparkle. He fell in love with her memory almost, with this idea of her he had in his head. But that was okay because she filled a hole in his heart, she filled it completely.  
He doesn’t see The Doctor for a little while after The Master, but then suddenly the daleks rain down on them, again. And everyone’s there, pulling their weight. But not Rose, she isn’t there. The Doctor wishes she was there almost as much as him, which is saying something. Just seeing her for that last time, he thinks, would’ve cured him as such. Just knowing for sure that she was okay. That was all he needed really.  
But then suddenly, he zaps into time and zaps the Dalek, seconds after it shoots The Doctor. She doesn’t even look at him, because she’s cradling The Doctor in her arms. In a way, Jack doesn’t mind being second best to The Doctor, because he knows The Doctor had a hard time getting over Rose.   
Harder than Jack did, which is very hard.   
He knows The Doctor skipped the denial stage, and furiously ran headfirst into anger, briefly bargaining and then launching straight into depression. Real depression too, the kind where he would pretend to be happy, when he wasn’t.   
Time lord skin doesn’t heal as fast as Jack's does.  
The Doctor never really had acceptance, because part of him always believed she was coming back. Jack had to put this in the back of his mind, because thinking of her caused too much pain. And he didn't need any more pain. But suddenly he’s back with her, and The Doctor is regenerating, and then staying the same man. Which is odd.  
He watches as The Doctor and Rose reunite, properly, hugging. And he smiles wistfully. That could never be him and Rose, not when she was so head over heels for another man. Rose eventually turns her attention to Jack, and hugs him tightly.  
“I’ve missed you” is all she says, but that’s all he needs really. He blinks back tears, and releases her. “I know, sweetheart.” Is all he says “I know.”  
oOo  
He doesn’t know if The Doctor will keep her, or send her away again, and for once, it doesn’t matter. He knows that whatever decision is made, The Doctor will make sure Rose is happy. And that’s all that matters. The haze is almost gone completely, but she's still there, ever so softly.  
He knows that it would never have really worked the way he wanted it to, but that’s alright. Sometimes, things just don’t turn out the way you want them to. Sometimes the girl you love doesn’t love you back.  
But that’s okay because as long as she’s happy, wherever she is. Jack’s happy to. 

EPILOUGE  
Every now and then, on clear nights like tonight, she stares up at the stars and imagines she had her fairy-tale ending. The Doctor and Rose Tyler, in the TARDIS, just as they should be. He turns to look at Ianto, and smiles. Perhaps Jack’s fairy-tale is only just beginning.


End file.
